Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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