I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector