I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
