my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
