Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
