So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
