i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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