Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
