I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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