i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
