Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
a search helicopter?!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
