Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
