Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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