So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i think my cat just said my name.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
