and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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