Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
