You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
