And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
