i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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