there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
