Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
