Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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