Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
