he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
