I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
