just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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