hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
