I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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