In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
