even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
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Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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