I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
