dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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