i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
