I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
