Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
