Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my vag is so smooth its legendary
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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