Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Life is so much better after having sex.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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