dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
