I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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