my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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