i was born a porn star she said
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
