Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
