i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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