1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
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I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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