I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
