I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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