Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
