do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
