I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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