I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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