I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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