I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
