Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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