I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
