If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.