Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.