Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
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boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.