i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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