My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
