I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
