Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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