just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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