for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're like the curious george of whores
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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