i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
MIDGETS
????
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
