I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We named our party play list daddy issues
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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