I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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